Please chaeck all that apply:
At times I feel:
At times I want to:
ü RUN AWAY
ü CRY ALL DAY
ü SLEEP ALL DAY
ü HURT SOMETHING OR SOMEONE
ü GIVE UP
Postpartum depression is REAL. Whether you’ve had a baby 10 weeks ago or ten years, you may be suffering. Even if you are not clinically depressed, you have your moments, right? I know I do.
I’ll never forget getting in the car to go see a friend- Ruki was 2 and Saji just 3 months- and I buckled them both in their car seats. Saji wined in the beginning of the forty minute ride but eventually fell asleep. Ruqi just occupied herself with looking out the window and I put on some children’s Qur’an CD. I told myself, “Wow, I can do this. We’re good.”
Foolishly, I expected the same peace on the ride home. I buckled them in, and Saji wined a little, but no big deal, until… a scheech comes from the back seat. It’s Ruqi.
“What’s wrong honey?” as I try to look through the rear view mirror to see her.
She just screams and cries and screams and cries. By this time Saji joins in with a full-fledge wailing- you know, the kind where they turn all red in the face and can’t catch their breath. I’m on a narrow busy street but I find a place to pull over and slither around the side of the car to open the back door.
“Ruqi, are you okay? What’s wrong!?”
“A bug! That little bug won’t hurt you!” I didn’t even see a bug. I was angry she disturbed the peace over a tiny bug, but I tried to stay calm as not to make matters worse. That’s when a miniature mosquito flew up between her dangling feet and she lost it. There was no consoling her. Turning to Saji, I regretted ever leaving the house; she was hyperventilating with tears streaming down her flaming red cheeks. I didn’t want to take her out her seat, because I knew I’d have to nurse her and at this point I just wanted to get home and get out this car. So I got back in the front and just started driving. I was trying to calm Ruqi down first by consoling her, then by giving warnings, and finally I just ended up screaming at her to be quiet; and this is all while steering with one hand and patting Saji’s chest with the other: NOT SAFE!
Amidst all the madness some really bad thoughts came into my head (Use your imagination). And then I felt guilty about the thoughts and then I felt like a bad mom and then I wondered what my life would be like without kids.
When I got home I just wanted to pull the covers over my head. But I couldn’t do that because I had these two little human beings that depend on me for love, security, teaching, nourishment and guidance. What happened to the times when I was only responsible for me, myself and I?
If you follow my blog, you know I LOVE being a mom, but sometimes it's really TOUGH! And we’re expected to be all things to all people, sometimes with NO SUPPORT. This isn’t a rant, this is a message to all the parents- involved Dads too – that it’s okay to be down and out sometimes. But if you find that you are “down” ALL of the time… if you feel like you could harm yourself or others… if “one good cry” is never enough… then please GET HELP. It doesn’t mean that you are weak; it means that you are strong.