Sunday, March 11, 2012

INSANITY!


Please chaeck all that apply:

At times I feel:
ü  HOPELESS
ü  UNATTRACTIVE
ü  LONELY
ü  OVERWHELMED
ü  OVERWORKED
ü  EXHAUSTED

At times I want to:
ü  RUN AWAY
ü  SCREAM
ü  CRY ALL DAY
ü  SLEEP ALL DAY
ü  HURT SOMETHING OR SOMEONE
ü  GIVE UP

Postpartum depression is REAL. Whether you’ve had a baby 10 weeks ago or ten years, you may be suffering. Even if you are not clinically depressed, you have your moments, right? I know I do.
I’ll never forget getting in the car to go see a friend- Ruki was 2 and Saji just 3 months- and I buckled them both in their car seats. Saji wined in the beginning of the forty minute ride but eventually fell asleep. Ruqi just occupied herself with looking out the window and I put on some children’s Qur’an CD. I told myself, “Wow, I can do this. We’re good.”

Foolishly, I expected the same peace on the ride home. I buckled them in, and Saji wined a little, but no big deal, until… a scheech comes from the back seat. It’s Ruqi.

“What’s wrong honey?” as I try to look through the rear view mirror to see her.

She just screams and cries and screams and cries. By this time Saji joins in with a full-fledge wailing- you know, the kind where they turn all red in the face and can’t catch their breath. I’m on a narrow busy street but I find a place to pull over and slither around the side of the car to open the back door.

“Ruqi, are you okay? What’s wrong!?”

“Buggy! Buggy!”

“A bug! That little bug won’t hurt you!” I didn’t even see a bug. I was angry she disturbed the peace over a tiny bug, but I tried to stay calm as not to make matters worse. That’s when a miniature mosquito flew up between her dangling feet and she lost it. There was no consoling her. Turning to Saji, I regretted ever leaving the house; she was hyperventilating with tears streaming down her flaming red cheeks. I didn’t want to take her out her seat, because I knew I’d have to nurse her and at this point I just wanted to get home and get out this car. So I got back in the front and just started driving. I was trying to calm Ruqi down first by consoling her, then by giving warnings, and finally I just ended up screaming at her to be quiet; and this is all while steering with one hand and patting Saji’s chest with the other: NOT SAFE!

Amidst all the madness some really bad thoughts came into my head (Use your imagination). And then I felt guilty about the thoughts and then I felt like a bad mom and then I wondered what my life would be like without kids.

When I got home I just wanted to pull the covers over my head. But I couldn’t do that because I had these two little human beings that depend on me for love, security, teaching, nourishment and guidance. What happened to the times when I was only responsible for me, myself and I?

If you follow my blog, you know I LOVE being a mom, but sometimes it's really TOUGH! And we’re expected to be all things to all people, sometimes with NO SUPPORT. This isn’t a rant, this is a message to all the parents- involved Dads too – that it’s okay to be down and out sometimes. But if you find that you are “down” ALL of the time… if you feel like you could harm yourself or others… if “one good cry” is never enough… then please GET HELP. It doesn’t mean that you are weak; it means that you are strong.





4 comments:

Haniyyah702 said...

I know the feeling lol. My baby is six and sometimes I want to hide from him even though I know I'm so blessed to be mom to that amazing little creature. I also have one on the way God willing. Bang head here I'm already tired.

Sanaa said...

Subhnallah the roller coaster of emotions and psychological torture we mother's are faced with daily! I am hearing feeling and knowing this post. For years after I had my second child I thought motherhood was madness. I felt tricked but subhnallah when our mother's aunt's etc tell us motherhood is the hardest job ever we fail to actually reflect and take in the full intensity of what that actually means. Sis it will pass. The main reason I am guessing you have reached this point because you are exhausted emotionally and of course physically and getting no time to yourself to even recharge your battries and YOU HAVE TO or it will get no better.
If your hub is not around then you will have to leave them at a trusted friend's house or talk to your local nursery about a possible day or two at nursery. It does get better as they get older and one thing I have learnt over the years is that we are far too much involved in every second of our children's life and over stimulate and over whelm them ourselves and when we are done with the excitement they are still buzzing off our energy! lol Let them watch baby tv for a while whilst you do NOTHING! Feel no way we feel guilty for too much. If you were my neighbour I'd have them for you whilst you be woman instead of mommy for a few hours. Sorry you are so far. When my toddler get's too much and she has completly lost her marbles she is put to sleep to sleep off the madness! I don't care if she is tired or not and more times she so say 'goodnight' even if it is 1 in the afternoon. They receive soo much love from us and we are there for them but they have to know mommy needs time, love and taking care of too and most of the time we have to do this ourselves and that means 30mins or more out of the 1440 in a day is not asking for too much! See it as your right. Hope you get time out soon. Oh and don't forget Allah is Al Mujeeb, the One who answers dua to use this beautiful Name of His and call upon him asking or ease with this name and HE surely will answer you. hugzzzzzz from UK

Muslim Mommy said...

Haniyyah, May Allah give you ease in your pregnancy and may your baby be a healthy bundle of joy. May we all raise righteous Muslims! AMEEN.

Sanaa, I am feeling the huge hug right now, over the Atlantic! Alhamdulillah, thank you for the great advice! I believe EXACTLY what you said about the over stimulation. It's like, I feel like i never stop giving! Even as I'm writing this at 7 am, my baby is nursing me in her sleep lol. I have to find someone or somewhere to drop these precious little girls off a couple times a week inshaAllah :)

A Blog-ver-sa-tionist said...

I see this a lot but do not quite understand it.

What I have realized though as mentioned here, more of us are depressed and need wellness (knowledge, spiritual and mental). Thank you for posting where we could receive help....