INSANITY!

Please chaeck all that apply:

At times I feel:

ü  HOPELESS

ü  UNATTRACTIVE

ü  LONELY

ü  OVERWHELMED

ü  OVERWORKED

ü  EXHAUSTED

At times I want to:

ü  RUN AWAY

ü  SCREAM

ü  CRY ALL DAY

ü  SLEEP ALL DAY

ü  HURT SOMETHING OR SOMEONE

ü  GIVE UP

Postpartum depression is REAL. Whether you’ve had a baby 10 weeks ago or ten years, you may be suffering. Even if you are not clinically depressed, you have your moments, right? I know I do.

I’ll never forget getting in the car to go see a friend- Ruki was 2 and Saji just 3 months- and I buckled them both in their car seats. Saji wined in the beginning of the forty minute ride but eventually fell asleep. Ruqi just occupied herself with looking out the window and I put on some children’s Qur’an CD. I told myself, “Wow, I can do this. We’re good.”

Foolishly, I expected the same peace on the ride home. I buckled them in, and Saji wined a little, but no big deal, until… a scheech comes from the back seat. It’s Ruqi.

“What’s wrong honey?” as I try to look through the rear view mirror to see her.

She just screams and cries and screams and cries. By this time Saji joins in with a full-fledge wailing- you know, the kind where they turn all red in the face and can’t catch their breath. I’m on a narrow busy street but I find a place to pull over and slither around the side of the car to open the back door.

“Ruqi, are you okay? What’s wrong!?”

“Buggy! Buggy!”

“A bug! That little bug won’t hurt you!” I didn’t even see a bug. I was angry she disturbed the peace over a tiny bug, but I tried to stay calm as not to make matters worse. That’s when a miniature mosquito flew up between her dangling feet and she lost it. There was no consoling her. Turning to Saji, I regretted ever leaving the house; she was hyperventilating with tears streaming down her flaming red cheeks. I didn’t want to take her out her seat, because I knew I’d have to nurse her and at this point I just wanted to get home and get out this car. So I got back in the front and just started driving. I was trying to calm Ruqi down first by consoling her, then by giving warnings, and finally I just ended up screaming at her to be quiet; and this is all while steering with one hand and patting Saji’s chest with the other: NOT SAFE!

Amidst all the madness some really bad thoughts came into my head (Use your imagination). And then I felt guilty about the thoughts and then I felt like a bad mom and then I wondered what my life would be like without kids.

When I got home I just wanted to pull the covers over my head. But I couldn’t do that because I had these two little human beings that depend on me for love, security, teaching, nourishment and guidance. What happened to the times when I was only responsible for me, myself and I?

If you follow my blog, you know I LOVE being a mom, but sometimes it's really TOUGH! And we’re expected to be all things to all people, sometimes with NO SUPPORT. This isn’t a rant, this is a message to all the parents- involved Dads too – that it’s okay to be down and out sometimes. But if you find that you are “down” ALL of the time… if you feel like you could harm yourself or others… if “one good cry” is never enough… then please GET HELP. It doesn’t mean that you are weak; it means that you are strong.

·  Postpartum Depression: 1-800-PPD-MOMS

·  NDMDA Depression Hotline – Support Group: 1-800-826-3632

·  Crisis Help Line – For Any Kind of Crisis: 1-800-233-4357

·  Suicide & Depression Crisis Line – Covenant House: 1-800-999-9999

http://www.depression-test.net/depression-hotlines.html

The Precious Life…

Ever touch your baby in the middle of the night just to see if she is breathing? When we were new parents, at the first sign of sickness we would call the pediatrician or even rush to the ER in complete fear of the unknown. And we’re usually assured that it’s just a passing cold, and in time it indeed passed.

As parents, many of us take our children for granted. At the playground last week, I met a mother of a young boy and she told me she doesn’t get frustrated with her son as easily as most mothers because he was her miracle baby after seven years of trying to get pregnant with no success. This made me think: my children are not something I should ever view as a burden not even for a second- not even when they’re writing on the walls or crying all night.

So my little one, Saji, has been a little under the weather the past couple of days; nothing to panic about thank God, just a cold. But at barely nine months, it is difficult for her to sleep and nurse with so much congestion. I hate seeing her like this. But we must remember that sickness is a purification. When you or a loved one is sick, it is a time to pray and reflect. It is a time to rest and rejuvenate the mind and body.

But most of all, it is a time to be thankful.

Breastfeeding in Public: An American Stigmatism

I keep hearing stories about these “Disgusting”, “Outrageous”, “Hippie” moms who are unapologetically breastfeeding their babies in malls, restaurants, and supermarkets. And some of them have the nerve to do it uncovered! Just baby suckling breast with no shame!

In a society that claims to be “forward thinking” and “green” and sensitive to the rights of its citizens, we should be ashamed. In a society where it is the norm to see people kissing and fondling in public, where actresses are called sexy for wearing next to nothing at award shows and bikini tops are acceptable wardrobe for a night out with the girls, it is depressing that breastfeeding moms are the ones met with outrage and disgust.

This is just another indication that the portrayal of liberation and freedom women have in American society is merely a political farce used to make other countries feel inferior to American values.

Do I breastfeed in public? Yes I do. Would you notice? Probably not, because I always use my scarf or other garment as a cover. But does not mean I would be outraged to see another women do it uncovered? No I would not because I have seen much more outrageous things than a mother nourishing her child in the open. And frankly, I’d probably be more happy to see another mother who has embraced the best way to feed their child in a society who pretends they support it, but in reality it is a deep seeded taboo.

Why is breastfeeding taboo in America? What is at the base of American values? Capitolism. And corporations, like Enfamil and Good Start have infiltrated the minds and hearts of American women, telling them their own milk was not good enough for their offspring. And formula was better. So we have not only bought into this rhetoric, making their pockets fat, but we have sexualized and demonized breastfeeding and the people who do it.

This is not a blog about breastfeeding vs. formula. This is a blog about how an entire society can be brainwashed into thinking that something which is good and natural is something that is sick and inappropriate.

The Yelling Game

I hate it. No seriously, I hate it.

“Stop this!” “Stop that!”

“What are you doing?!”

“Noooo!!!!!!”

Having a 6 month old and an almost 3 year old means that you can’t always chase after your 3 year old and correct her/him when they are going down the path towards destruction. So, what do we do? We yell! It’s really not a pretty sight. When we see someone else doing it, we shake our heads. Sometimes we remark, “Oh my God, WHY IS SHE YELLING LIKE THAT?” Sometimes we look down our noses because at that particular moment our child is being the picture perfect toddler: “Yes Mommy” “Please…Thank you…. Your Welcome.”

But when we’re the one in the spotlight, we either do one of two things:

1.        We attempt to mask our anger by doing the gritting teeth whisper yell:

“You better get your act together right now or else!” We threaten in an awkward last-resort whisper, hoping our child will be intimidated by the accompanied scowl.

OR

2.        We just loose it:

“Get your butt up off the floor right now _____! Do you hear me! Do you hear me!” We have really lost all reasoning by this point. At this point we have completely lost control of our child and our emotions. Usually this action makes everything much worse. Whatever was initially wrong with the child will now be amplified. Rage is met with rage. And the whole ordeal is both emotionally and physically distressing.

However, most yelling takes place in the home. This may seem more appropriate than a public show of rage, but the home is supposed to be the one place we can be at ease; our place of rest and recuperation after a stressful day out. So, as a parent, when I yell in my home, I am creating a hostile atmosphere.

I used to argue with my brother a lot from the ages of 10-14. He was older, but I was not intimidated by him, and did not accept the concept of sonority when it came to anything. We would argue over silly things, like what to watch on television. Sometimes we would be in a yelling match, calling each other hurtful names, and I don’t even know how it all started. Then my brother went to college and my yelling was retired.

…Until now. Having a two year old has revived this ugly trait from my past. I rarely even yell in my marriage because as an adult, I have grown to hate confrontation. Yet as I sit here now and write this blog, my voice is actually hoarse. I don’t think a day goes by that I don’t yell at my daughter. It is sad and it is exhausting. Ruqi is a normal toddler, with lots of energy, imagination and curiosity to explore everything within her reach. With a baby on board, I do not have the time to calmly walk her through every moment of her life, explaining what is right and what is wrong. It all started while I was pregnant; battling sickness, fatigue, and all the emotional ups and downs of pregnancy, my fuse was short.

The other factor is that Ruqi shows that she understands so much, so perhaps I confuse her understanding of certain things with actual comprehension. For instance, I will see how gently she interacts with the baby, so I trust her to play with her sister without hurting her. What a misjudgment on my part! Most of the time she is gentle and soft and her sister adores her, but then there are the times when she grabs Saji’s face in her hands and squeezes and it all happens so fast that all I hear is Saji screeching for help. So, of course I yell, and I yell loud. It’s to the point that Ruqi isn’t even affected by my yelling anymore. So why do I do it? It obviously isn’t working.

I bought Dr. Sears’s “The Dicipline Book” and it’s great. In typical Dr. Sears fashion, the book is more about training parents than it is about training children. So, I recommend it to anyone who might have a yelling problem or any other roadblock in their parenting. And prayer, prayer always works…

Day by Day, Moment by Moment

A Typical Week:

Monday-      Wash Ruqi’s hair

Tuesday-      Clean bedroom, wash clothes

Wednesday- Visit Grandma

Thursday-     Go to Children’s Museum

Friday-         Go to Masjid

Saturday-     Attempt to make some calls

Sunday-       Catch up on schoolwork

Perhaps some of you could accomplish everything on this list in one day and still have time to spare, and three years ago, I could have too. But times have changed. I have two children under the age of three now. Over the past six months, I have spent a lot of time worrying, rushing, complaining, and regretting because it seems like I can’t ever get a thing done. And when I do get something done- a simple task- it takes a whole day of more.

If you don’t understand what I’m talking about, I’ll tell you hour-by-hour how this past Monday went:

5am – wake up and lay in bed wondering why I am awake. I feel two sets of legs resting on my legs. I am a mommy sandwich, smushed between a toddler and a very large 6 month old, and I don’t dare move an inch for fear of waking anyone up and disturbing the early morning peace.

5:45am – I realize it is time for the morning prayer, and since I am still awake, I really have no excuse for skipping out on it. So, I slither from between the two sleeping beauties and make my way down the hall to the bathroom, not looking back. I preform the ritual cleansing, feeling the refreshing splash of water on my face and into my mouth and nostrils. As soon as I was started to take in a very deep breath, I hear a whimper, then covers rustling, then a screeching cry. I run down the hall scooping up little Saja into my arms, and a sudden feeling of overwhelming responsibility blankets over my initial excitement about performing the early morning prayer in peace.

6:15 am – After suckling, baby Saja is now asleep, yet with a heightened awareness of her physical connection to me. I try to set her down, and she cringes and whimpers. The longer I wait, the more the sun begins to creep up, so I settle to just pray sitting, while cradling my baby girl. Afterwards, I lay in the bed awake. I glanced over at my 2 year old who was playing in her sister’s baby powder with their 4 year old cousin the day before. Even after washing her hair, it was evident the powder had dried out her hair so much that it was brittle and the strands were tangling and locking together. It was evident I had to do something about this hair dilemma, but dreaded doing anything to Ruqi’s hair because she is tender headed and screams and cries and runs away the minute I confront her tightly coiled afro.

Okay, so you’re thinking, it’s not even daylight yet; tell this story a little faster! I’m sorry, but this is my life. I’ll just stick to the main parts from now on…

The point of the story is that it took a WHOLE day just to do Ruqi’s hair. Actually, two days, if you count the first time I washed it the day before. Just making meals, pampering and feeding the baby, and entertaining the children takes up the majority of my day. In between all that - I have finally figured out -that I can really only get one major task completed a day- if I’m fortunate! On Monday, it was washing, deep conditioning, moisturizing, and braiding little Ruqi’s hair.

I have finally come to peace with the fact that caring for the babies is a JOB and it is MY JOB. I have a wonderful husband, but that’s beside the point. I used to value myself on how many things I could get accomplished a day that don’t concern my children. For instance, doing schoolwork, going grocery shopping, writing a blog, making any income to contribute to the home, making important phone calls, ...ect.

It would upset me if Saja had a fussy day and needed to be held and fed LITERALLY all day, therefore not even allowing me to perform the simplest household task, like doing the laundry or preparing dinner. I wouldn’t be upset with her, but I’d be upset and disappointed with myself for not being able to multitask well enough to get everything on my agenda taken care of.

From now on I’m taking a stand! A stand against myself, for myself. I’m taking a stand against a society that makes women feel as though they have to juggle children + home + work + school + marriage and pull it all off with perfection. That’s madness! I am making a resolution:

1.       Take 1 day at a time. Whatever I can do today, I will. I will plan, but if plans fall apart, it’s okay.

2.       Take 1 moment at a time. Whoever said multitasking was a good thing? Do 1 thing at a time and do it well.

3.       Be Present. Cherish every moment. I will not take 1 moment for granted, and I will not have regrets.

4.       Be Happy. I will enjoy my life and enjoy my children. A happy mommy = A Happy Home.

5.       Remember the Power of God. I am not capable of doing all things, but GOD is. So pray, and ask for strength and forgiveness and guidance.

Life is a journey with ups and downs and turnarounds. As a mother, it’s all the harder to feel like your happiness and peace of mind matter in the scheme of things. But believe me, it matters. Just writing this post - knowing my children will be waking from their nap soon and there was a ton of “important” things I should have been doing – has uplifted my spirit. Do something today, no matter how small, to uplift yours. 

A Great Grandfather

What can I say? I have a great father! And Saji and Ruqi have a great grandfather! We (Nana, Pop-pop, Ruki, Saja and myself) took a weekend trip to Ocean City, NJ and we had a blast. I was busy caring for 11 week old Saja most of the time, and didnt really have the physical or mental capacity to care for her 2 year sister. But my parents made up for what I lacked. I feel so blessed to have parents that are so loving and caring for their children and grandchildren.

Growing up, we were always short on cash, but never short on love. When many families were going to Disney World, we were going on much less expensive camping trips in the Pocono Mountains. The four of us would pile into a two person tent. And as much as I griped and complained, it was ingrained into me that family was about time spent and not about money spent. We were poor in money, but rich in values and love. I pray that I can pass on these values to my children.

Amazon for Stay-At-Home Moms

Guess what's new? I'm now a mommy of two! It's wonderful and exhausting and fulfilling and EXHAUSTING! But at the end of the day, all I can do is thank God for my two healthy beautiful girls! So I gave you a list of products that helped me get through my pregnancy, so now I will give you a list of items that have helped me get through my first three months postpartum.

While pregnant, I had a vision of throwing my new baby girl in a sling and just carrying on my life as normal. But I quickly leaned mommies run on their baby's schedules, NOT the other way around. And that was fine at first, but then I started needing stuff: clothes, baby gadgets, baby gear, phone accessories, books, and many gifts for other people.

If I drag baby #2 out the door, it's usually for some type of recreational activity for baby #1 or the grocery store (only because I have no other choice). So, the most useful and convinient means I have found for purchasing my needs and wants was through internet shopping. And the most frequented website on my list is Amazon.com simply because of the one-stop-shop convenience and the "free super-saver shipping" which many items on their website qualify for.



Okay, I will quickly explain to you all this list. I bought the Leapfrog and Preschoolprep DVDs for my two-year-old. They are educational and entertaining! My phone charger broke but I didn't have time to stand in line and pay $30 for a replacement. Would you believe me if I told you I got this set of three chargers (USB, wall charger, car charger) for under $2! You don't believe me? Check it out for yourself. I must admit, they are not the quality of the charger directly from samsung (instead of fully charging my dead phone in under 3 hours, it takes about 5 hours), but I am very pleased for the cheap price.

The power drill was a Fathers Day gift for my wonderful father who helped me so much with keeping baby #2 busy while I was nursing baby #2 or just getting some overdue rest!

I ordered the nipple butter because my soar nipples wear cracking, but unfortunately I didn't get it expressed shipped, so by the time I recieved the all-natural cocoa based butter, my nipples were already healed. However, it came in really great handy when I discoved baby #2 had excema and the Earth Mama nipple butter softened my newborns little rough patches :)

The Summer Infant Carseat complete body support coushin was just what I needed to keep my little one snug in her carseat and it allowed me to put her in the double stroller at 3 months without the carseat (Perhaps it also helped that she's a monster baby lol).

Three Cups of Tea is a great read when you need the escape the realities of momydom. Being a mom of two under three can become very overwhelming at times, but internet shopping has made my road just tad more smoother to travel.

I have also purchased items like bedding and my double stroller from target.com and walmart.com. Catch them when they are having deals and FREE SHIPPING!